“My Live Diary” – Sorrow, Struggle & Strength

“God is that part of you that you don’t want anybody to see.

He is not just the God of your success. He is the God of your struggle”.

~ Steven Furtick Ministries

SORROW- from my diary, dated 12.6.15:

In the past five months, I have been on a roller coaster. I buckled up and went for the ride.

Words cannot describe how hurt I am.

Old memories sprung up from a few years ago, when I found out about the online relationships with other women.

We had recovered from that, shut down all Social Media accounts and rebuilt our marriage, to find out it had been revisited.

I never imagined that all this would come into my marriage, since I had been praying the past ten years for his salvation and protection against the enemies schemes.

Things got worse!

The very thing I was praying for him to be protected from, came against me.

STRUGGLE – Issues of the Heart

At times, I struggle, not to think about all that has transpired.

I think about the lies, feel misunderstood.

He poisoned our marriage.

All of this is crazy.

My hope comes from the Lord, in that what we have experienced, would turn around for the glory of God!

My marriage is all that God created it to be!

Still, I struggle.

Did I make the right decision to stay, even though in the eyes of God, I could rightfully divorce?

Still, I struggle; struggle with emotions.

No signs of change.

I see his face daily, I’m:

  • Bitter
  • Resentful
  • Angry
  • Hurt
  • Ashamed
  • Sad
  • Confused

I can’t see through his eyes; they lie.

He cannot see, he is blind.

Caught in a trap, the world has so much to offer.

The Lord is my shield and refuge. He is my strength. I am covered in the blood of Jesus.

  • I am numb
  • Feel separated from God
  • Our relationship is broken

But I know He is there.

He resides in my heart.

He is the vine, I am the branch (see John 15:5).

I lean not unto my own understanding (see Proverbs 3:5).

I just hope it all works out.

The STRUGGLE Continues…

Self-pity.

Very few know.

Do I put my hands in the air and enjoy the ups and downs the roller coaster has?

I’ve changed.

Sometimes I just don’t care.

I’m not “alive”.

I’m surviving.

Stressed and tired.

Hard to relax;

  • Tea?
  • L-theanine?
  • Magnesium?
  • Mary Jane?

Mary, Mary, quite contrary how does your bud know?

How to:

  • Make me relaxed
  • Happy
  • See things differently
  • Clear my mind
  • Ease the pain
  • Focused
  • Be in the moment

I should be able to experience these things without you!

I have, in Christ!

Where are you Father?

Lead me to the rock higher than I, oh Lord, higher than I.

I wait in great expectation of your marvelous works, oh Lord.

Amen.

STRENGTH – Wise Counsel

I found help from Christian friends; women of faith, Christian marriage forums online, books and a mental health professional.

Prayer and reading the Bible healed my heart.

The Present

Happily married; celebrating 17 years. Family saved!

Your sorrow today can become your strength for tomorrow! ~ Steven Furtick Ministries

Peace and Blessings,

Shante

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